July 1, 2013 by socialpariah
1. I often tell people not to apologize for the way they live. Don’t apologize for how messy your car is. They’re only seeing your car because you’re giving them a ride somewhere, am I right? Don’t apologize for the surplus of dishes in your kitchen. They’re at YOUR house and they can leave if they don’t like it. Don’t apologize for your social awkwardness. No one’s paying attention to yours; they’re only concerned with theirs. Don’t apologize for late emails, they’ll know you didn’t “just see this email omg.”. That said, I’m going to apologize for not posting since mid-May. But I’m not going to give any excuses. Excuses are for suckers.
2. As for me offending the billiards gods, well, you know, I’m not sorry about that either. The dude I was playing pool with, well, I can’t let him lose at anything. I am compelled to make him win at everything. I used to be lots better at pool than I am now. It is mortifying to own a pool hall and to EVER lose at pool. But I’m still a way better pool player than him, but he doesn’t know that, and never will.
3. I’m liking your glasses. I don’t wear glasses, though I feel like I should. If I close my right eye, I cannot read anything through my left eye because it is a lazy eye. When I was in 1st Grade, I had to wear a patch over my right eye in order to strengthen the left one. In the school’s library, stay with me, now, was a book called, “The Adventures of Amanda Pig.” Naturally, my classmates started calling me Amanda the One-Eyed Pig, though I weighed about 17 pounds. I told my teachers that my parents said I didn’t have to wear the patch at school, and they believed me (the also believed in corporeal punishment then), so I didn’t wear and, and, subsequently, never healed my eyeball. Here is a picture of what I would look like if I actually wore glasses: